sometimes I really wish I was the type to get angry at personal situations. the anger has been bred out of me. I feel as though I just can’t get genuinely mad at someone. instead, I get sad and take all of the anger I should be feeling out on myself.
for example, today was yet another day where I got my hopes up and had them violently shot down. and this happens a lot. but, like always, I thought today was different. because things were getting better. maybe this was the start of something good. things were looking up.
and then, in an instant, things can revert back to exactly how they were. the same sadness. the same funk. the same facade.
it’s not that I’m depressed, either. it’s just that I’m sick and tired of getting my hopes up in my relationship only to have them crushed into the dirt.
I just need to leave. soon. immediately. because I can’t stand much more of this. im ruining my interpersonal relationships with a teeny flaw in my romantic one. teeny, I say, but yet I type this word vomit.
god, how I wish I could just punch a wall or angrily lash out or something. that’s all I want right now. some form of release. but yet, here I lay, immobile but for my speedily typing fingers. typing out of despair, reaching out for something, anything to make this entire night perhaps not feel so empty.
and, for a moment, I pause in my emotional tirade and hear the constant tick of the clock behind me. and now I realize that, I really am alone in this. and maybe I should just breathe and take a walk and keep going like always. because, despite what I may type here, I really am alone like always. and I may just have to go on with life no matter what petty things may occur.
and I’m not even rereading whatever goobildygunk I just spewed out. because that’s what this blog is for, for not overthinking whatever I may spew and just, for a second, letting go.
maybe this is my release after all.